For the Goddess

I woke up on a very cold day. With sweater and socks, I can still feel the coolness of the environment. I’ve been waiting for the typhoon to hit Quezon City( bad!) so our duty will be cancelled and I can save money for some important reason. This icy feeling is due to the effect of the typhoon hitting Northern Luzon. I love chilling in bed.

I love the heat of my blanket. But I had to get up and start my day.

I cooked spaghetti, fried rice and tinapa. It is so enjoyable to indulge on foods during this kind of weather. After our breakfast, the weather seemed to be good as in it started to become sunny. I began watching cartoons. Then took a bath and went to SM.

Looking around in SM is not that enjoyable, no new sights or products that captured my interest. I went home and joined my groupmates to Tet’s birthday celebration in San Pedro. We just ate and chat about just anything.

I went home with this feeling of boredom. I went out and bought some siopao and balut.

Boredom increases my appetite.

My life revolves in duty, lectures, and rest day. Monotonous. All creates boredom. I hated it.

Sometimes I wish I can have a life.

Stargazing at night is relaxing and peaceful. Staying beside the beach, camping, or strolling around is really exciting. Maybe I can just stay at a nice place until dawn or I can spend the night traveling somewhere else.

I think I need to seize my day.

I feel that each day of my life is being wasted.

I need a real break.

I need a life.

Oct 3, 2007

I’d like to touch his heart

Crush it with my bare hands

To feel its pumping motion

To feel it’s aching

Bleeding, begging for life.

I am longing for some time

To dig my fangs through his neck

How I fancy looking at his blood flowing

How I dream to feel its warmth

And taste his only life

I’d like to tickle his brain

Pleasure him with images.

Shatter him with the unfathomable

It’s my reverie to watch him

While his eyes show some tears

To look beyond his physique

I just wonder.

Is he real?

I want to know him.

091807

Yesterday, I’ve been watching Tom Hanks’ Road to Perdition when suddenly heavy rain poured down, and electricity was cut off. I was really disgusted since the climax of the story is already near. There is nothing to do and I loathed it.

I opened the door and fall in love with the rain. I had several memories about the rain. I remembered during childhood when I bathed under the rain with neighbors. We were making sand balls and we throw at each other’s face. We had races in climbing trees and we run around the barangay. We loved biking against the strong winds and I loved the feeling of drops which touches my skin. With all of these, I decided to go out and after a long time, again I bathed under the heavy rain.

I was like a madman, jumping and yelling against the noise of the rain. I felt contented and peaceful.

This is a simple way to enjoy nature. This is a simple way to enjoy life.

Today, I am waiting for the sky to fall in tears.

I am waiting for the rain to come.

091407

I woke up around 8am today, with all my chores lined up on my head and a dream. Last night I had my first dream about my crush. It was like the normal circumstances in school activities, nothing special or extraordinary about it. But this is the first time I had a dream about him.

Am I in any reality or in any reason hooked on him?

This must be my struggle to forget him, to rationalize things, and to lead a normal life. But it seems to be powerful to be captured even in dreams. Perhaps I am too much delving into the reality of this odd phenomenon. Well, it is never my fault, his memory insists on being remembered.

I started pouring water on the washing machine. I’m glad to use it for the first time. I bought it for only Php500 from a neighbor who evacuated last Saturday. I’m happy because I can now wash my 3-month old bed sheet full of dust. Pearly, my house mate woke up from the noise of the machine. It was an advantage; at least I can now open the television without any hesitation and watch Erap.

I remember watching him since he was ousted from being president and Jose Velarde case. Now, he is being watched my millions of Filipinos waiting for the verdict.

Anyway, he is not the reason of this article. I cooked our breakfast and my lunch. Pearly went home to Tagaytay and will come back tomorrow. I forgot to inform from the beginning of this article that today is our rest day.

After the laundry and lunch, I started playing games in the lap top. Then, I read again my essays. I edited some of it. I enjoyed reading and remembered what I felt when I wrote it. But, the most predominant essay I care about is about boredom. I remember telling that it is essential to be happy when there is a free time like I had today.

I am not bored. I feel comfortable in this apartment. I am just thinking a lot about my crush. Oh, am I behaving like a high school girl? Forgive me for that but I relish it.

Perhaps this afternoon, I will do the taebo exercise, iron my clothes, organize my things, and watch a movie by Tom Hanks or Brad Pitt in the laptop. I will sleep early and hope (crossing fingers) that for the 2^nd time, I will dream of him again.

Now, sleeping becomes helpful. (winks;)

Joyce

091207

There are reasons for every step we take. There are also several perceptions for every side of the story. But on our story, I am not sure what reasons we had for bringing it out.

Primarily, we both never expected for a second chance of reuniting. I, myself, had no idea that this thing could be possible after years of not seeing each other and by just being friends. It just happened after a painful loss of a common friend. Staying late at wakes gave us the moments of being together just like the old times.

Joy, friendship, concern, thoughtfulness, excitement, and mental gymnastics are the important elements for a healthy relationship. And by the way, what kind of relationship is that?

He was a former boy friend; I ended the relationship with rage and bitterness tattooed on my mind after believing that he lied to me. Only at this time that I learned the truth, accepted that I was wrong, and only at this time we continued what we ended incompletely.

Continuing our story is also difficult. There were no rules, no expectations, and as much as possible, no emotions involved. However, a couple of days ago, I began thinking about us for a very long time. I even started wondering about my true feelings.  I admit my emotions allowed my sleepless nights.

I had options, whether to continue formally our story or end it beautifully for the second time.

Continuing it allows us to experience what we failed to do in our past. It is something that makes my heart leap and beat a little faster. It is something that keeps me awake during late hours. It is something that we awaited for the coming days. It is something that keeps me smile, keeps me on my feet, and keeps me enthusiastic. Continuing it leads us to different possibilities, whether good or bad.

I don’t have anesthesia for pains. But I suppose that ending this story for the second time is a little painful. Perhaps, because at this time, we are not totally “emotionally involved” with each other and that we matured as rational beings.

Mutually, we believe that this is not the proper time of strengthening it. It is not the right time because we have different priorities which do not complement. He is right when he said that it is not enough that we see each other, it is not enough that we care for each other, and it is not enough that we spend time together if we do not have “love” for each other. And love creates family; it is the foundation of marriage.

There were reasons for every step we take. There are essences for every story we create. But on our story, I have to leave it on faith.

Joyce 042707

What do you do when you have enough time and you get so bored?

Practically, lessen the free time of feeling the boredom. Cut down the space of staring at spaces.

Watch Grey’s Anatomy. Do the laundry. Cover Ann Rice’s books. Text a boyfriend.

And the best get some freakin’ sleep!

But sleeping may not be helpful if you are not sleepy.

So I am back into writing, specifically, typing the words coming out from my mind. Using my ATP’s to write about thinking or to think about writing.

Today is the last day of March, my very hell month. Full of sleepless nights, paper works, exams, quizzes, community activities, ret dems, debates, practicals, painful muscles and joints, with irritating people around, long working hours, heartache, and death. I’ve been wishing for one whole day of rest, relax, and enjoyment. The month when I also decided what I’m going be and what I’m not going to be. I’m going to be a nurse and I’m not going to be a receptionist. The month when I learned that I am not ready to have a family of my own.

This is a hell month, and I am what you call a devil in disguise? Of course, I am not. I am a human being just living in hell.

And for the first time in my life I had these fine hours of freedom from responsibilities, freedom from commitments, and time for my self. I’ve been praying for so long for this moment of being free. However, I am not enjoying this free time, I get so bored. I can’t help but to think of wasted hours of doing nothing, of just laying down, or watching a film. It doesn’t help me grasp the opportunity to enjoy a time to be at rest.

There were rules to manage and budget time, rules for busy schedules, for working times, and for stress. I have not yet read some rules or guidelines regarding budgeting or managing a free time, a complete time for relaxation or space. How would we manage or budget anything like space?

Perhaps there is a space somewhere in my hypothalamus or ventricles, space that is filled with some loneliness that can be diagnosed in a blink of an eye but is so hard to find a cure and is not operative. This space brings boredom in my time which I supposed to relish. Or maybe it’s an advance immunological response for what my life would be in the coming months.

In the coming months, I will resign. I will leave the staff house, my haven for three memorable years in work, and I will never see my co-receptionists, who happened to be my close friends. This is a space I decided to build. A space, free from work-related stress just for my studies.

I’ve been away from my family when I studied in Los Banos. I felt that lingering space. I’ve been away from my boyfriend when he decided to work in Camarines Sur.

I’ve been away from my school friends due to some circumstances. Now, I will be away from my work and friends due to my studies. All of these result to this chronic boredom of space.

Circumstances test our ability to decide, and most of the times, we decide on our circumstances in life. Spaces are equivalent to loneliness and boredom. Perhaps, these spaces can be controlled or manage positively.

Free time is a time to be spared from negative feelings. Spaces can be filled with happy memories and life’s lessons. I should enjoy every minute of it, because I know that sooner, we will never have a chance for it until things are over.

On the moment of this boredom I did something creative, put my mind into words, and lessen the space I once have. We all have the right to feel spaces and have our spaces be filled with happiness.

So, I am choosing to be happy.

After Valentines day, we started the community survey. However, due to time insufficiency, we finished everything as fast as we can. I was panicky with the quality of the output and the time was running so fast.

I am the group leader. Since our first meeting, I refrained from being selected as a leader. I finally accepted it because everyone chose me and no one has the initiative to delegate the group.

And it was really a curse! From the moment of community intervention until the program, I feel so nauseated and dizzy. I wanted to unwind but no time for it. I tried to divide the work and guide them on their respective assignments. However, I got headaches when I edited their papers. Some of them were really "pasaway" by not complying with the schedule. They cause my sleepless nights in doing our manuscript. I was unable to go in our company outing because of academic commitments. My enjoyment was deprived because of being a leader.

Until now, I am still working on the draft of our manuscript.

Next time, I will be strong enough to reject the need for leading.

I was surprised by a message from an ex-bf. He asked me if I stayed in the house because he wanted to visit and perhaps, just chat with me. Unfortunately (For him! hehe), I had anatomy and sociology class on the morning and hurried to work in the afternoon. 

It was funny that I had to wonder about his message. Then, apply my If’s theory. hehehe.

What if I stayed in the house? If I was there, what are the things we might talk about? If he texted me for that, does it mean something deeper?

I was in my 3rd year college when he became my bf. We had a good relationship on the first few months, but it ended badly because of some misunderstanding,distance, and immaturity. He was very jealous and always exaggerate things. He restricts on the things I want do and what to wear. It was a battle. We broke up and my grades became miserable especially my ZOO 113. I was raging to see him. But, we just met and settled things after two years.

Now, he wanted to see me. Tsk. tsk. tsk….

Nonsense.

 

January 1, 2007 was a blissful start of the year for me. After a couple of anguish and misunderstanding, we were able to talk seriously about our future. He was looking through my eyes, trying to instill what his heart feels.

The moment he laid his plans struck my world with cosmic veracity as if we were alone in this galaxy. I don’t know what to say, the only thing that matters is the truth that he wished to marry me. He did not proposed directly but I know what it means. I also wanted for that, for whatever reasons, it is what I dreamed of.

I was looking through the future with enthusiasm. I also have this minute of reminiscence about what we have been through these four years of caring and loving each other. We have been through a lot of struggle, the aftermath of immaturity, and burning pride. But, as we are going through the relationship, we were able to grow together.

However, just last night when I was about to sleep I begin to reflect on that matter. When you are going to marry someone, you will be giving yourself, such a sacrifice!

It is not only about being together, eating together, or talking endlessly. It is a great responsibility, it is about love.

I’ve been questioning his reason behind this urge. Is it an SOP to the consequence of the ad hoc? If it is not for that, perhaps he will not consider that now. And it will still be a dream. Then, it is not about me, it is about the other.

Maybe, I am thinking solely of myself. There would be a lot of limitations when you enter a marriage life. I’m afraid my self-expression would be restricted. Perhaps, I am not yet ready for it.

I believe in marriage. I believe in its sanctity. I would never betray it. I would not marry for any other reasons than of love.

I asked myself, am I ready to change my name?

A moment of reflection changed me.

JLGP

1/4/07

What if one day you feel like the thing you’ve been doing for years becomes so boring? What if you become so tired by just thinking about it? When you go to bed, you will realize that when you wake up, you will be doing the same thing all over again.

You will think of some things to mask the reality of boredom. Make fun about certain things, but it will only result to resentment. Pretend to be excited, act as if you are happy.

What if you are not happy anymore?

Would you end it? And how can you just end it if it helps you build your future?

I wanted to stop working as a receptionist. Yet, I still need this job for my study. Deciding is really hard.