For the Goddess

What do you do when you have enough time and you get so bored?

Practically, lessen the free time of feeling the boredom. Cut down the space of staring at spaces.

Watch Grey’s Anatomy. Do the laundry. Cover Ann Rice’s books. Text a boyfriend.

And the best get some freakin’ sleep!

But sleeping may not be helpful if you are not sleepy.

So I am back into writing, specifically, typing the words coming out from my mind. Using my ATP’s to write about thinking or to think about writing.

Today is the last day of March, my very hell month. Full of sleepless nights, paper works, exams, quizzes, community activities, ret dems, debates, practicals, painful muscles and joints, with irritating people around, long working hours, heartache, and death. I’ve been wishing for one whole day of rest, relax, and enjoyment. The month when I also decided what I’m going be and what I’m not going to be. I’m going to be a nurse and I’m not going to be a receptionist. The month when I learned that I am not ready to have a family of my own.

This is a hell month, and I am what you call a devil in disguise? Of course, I am not. I am a human being just living in hell.

And for the first time in my life I had these fine hours of freedom from responsibilities, freedom from commitments, and time for my self. I’ve been praying for so long for this moment of being free. However, I am not enjoying this free time, I get so bored. I can’t help but to think of wasted hours of doing nothing, of just laying down, or watching a film. It doesn’t help me grasp the opportunity to enjoy a time to be at rest.

There were rules to manage and budget time, rules for busy schedules, for working times, and for stress. I have not yet read some rules or guidelines regarding budgeting or managing a free time, a complete time for relaxation or space. How would we manage or budget anything like space?

Perhaps there is a space somewhere in my hypothalamus or ventricles, space that is filled with some loneliness that can be diagnosed in a blink of an eye but is so hard to find a cure and is not operative. This space brings boredom in my time which I supposed to relish. Or maybe it’s an advance immunological response for what my life would be in the coming months.

In the coming months, I will resign. I will leave the staff house, my haven for three memorable years in work, and I will never see my co-receptionists, who happened to be my close friends. This is a space I decided to build. A space, free from work-related stress just for my studies.

I’ve been away from my family when I studied in Los Banos. I felt that lingering space. I’ve been away from my boyfriend when he decided to work in Camarines Sur.

I’ve been away from my school friends due to some circumstances. Now, I will be away from my work and friends due to my studies. All of these result to this chronic boredom of space.

Circumstances test our ability to decide, and most of the times, we decide on our circumstances in life. Spaces are equivalent to loneliness and boredom. Perhaps, these spaces can be controlled or manage positively.

Free time is a time to be spared from negative feelings. Spaces can be filled with happy memories and life’s lessons. I should enjoy every minute of it, because I know that sooner, we will never have a chance for it until things are over.

On the moment of this boredom I did something creative, put my mind into words, and lessen the space I once have. We all have the right to feel spaces and have our spaces be filled with happiness.

So, I am choosing to be happy.

After Valentines day, we started the community survey. However, due to time insufficiency, we finished everything as fast as we can. I was panicky with the quality of the output and the time was running so fast.

I am the group leader. Since our first meeting, I refrained from being selected as a leader. I finally accepted it because everyone chose me and no one has the initiative to delegate the group.

And it was really a curse! From the moment of community intervention until the program, I feel so nauseated and dizzy. I wanted to unwind but no time for it. I tried to divide the work and guide them on their respective assignments. However, I got headaches when I edited their papers. Some of them were really "pasaway" by not complying with the schedule. They cause my sleepless nights in doing our manuscript. I was unable to go in our company outing because of academic commitments. My enjoyment was deprived because of being a leader.

Until now, I am still working on the draft of our manuscript.

Next time, I will be strong enough to reject the need for leading.